This movie baffles me every time we watch it.
What do you mean?
The instructions are very clear:
"Don't feed the gremlins after midnight."
"Don't get the gremlins wet."
How hard is that?
Hi, guys.
Hi, honey.
We're "honey" now, are we?
Yes, since their relationship became carnal,
Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment,
thus distinguishing him from those she calls "sweetie,"
usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.
You're boring people, sweetie.
Although, sometimes, she omits the veil entirely.
- So, what are you guys doing? - Celebrating Columbus day.
We're watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes.
They're all written by Chris Columbus.
Okay... What do you watch on Thanksgiving?
The parade.
That reminds me... I usually go back to Nebraska for Thanksgiving,
but this year they're calling it off on account of my brother's trial.
What's he on trial for?
Just a big misunderstanding.
You'd actually like my brother. He's kind of a chemist.
I was thinking I'd have Thanksgiving here,
- and you are all invited. - I'll be there.
Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?
I guess I could serve both.
You guess? You don't seem to have much of a handle on this.
Yeah, I really wish I could, Penny, but every year,
my mother has all the relatives over and cooks up
her famous tur-briska-fil.
Tur-briska-fil?
Turkey stuffed with a brisket stuffed with gefilte fish.
It's not as good as it sounds.
- Raj, what about you? - He usually comes to my house, right?
All right, this year, you don't have to eat the tur-briska-fil.
I don't even chew it. I swallow it like pills.
Episode 304: The Pirate Solution
Sync: Golgi, Jess, Loky
www.subbercafe.fr
So, what's going on with Raj?
Well, the good news is,
he has no problem with my mother's tur-briska-fil.
Hard to believe, but go on.
The bad news is, he says he's getting deported.
He's getting deported?
It means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country.
He could either return to his native India,
emigrate to another country that's willing to accept him
or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate.
Personally, I'd choose pirate.
Would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?
Fine.
But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.
Another reason to consider a life of piracy.
Even today, I understand that's an all-male profession.
Okay, she's gone.
Sorry. I lost my cool.
So, what's going on?
Okay, here's the deal:
six months ago, my research testing
the predicted composition of trans-neptunian objects
ran into a dead end.
So, my visa's only good as long as I'm employed at the university.
When they find out I've got squat, they're going to cut me off.
By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly-squat.
I wish I had squat.
So, wait, what have you been doing for the past six months?
You know, checking e-mail,
updating my Facebook status,
messing up Wikipedia entries.
Did you know Netflix lets you stream movies on your computer now?
You've continued to take the university's money
under false pretenses?
Highly unethical for an astrophysicist.
Although practically mandatory for a pirate.
I don't want to go back to India. It's hot and loud,
and there's so many people.
You have no idea... They're everywhere.
Okay, guys, think. How do we keep Raj in the country?
Why doesn't he just get another job?
What are you asking me for? I don't know if you can talk now or not.
Oh, beef...
I'm going to miss you so much.
Do you know, at the Mumbai Mcdonald's, you can't get a Big Mac?
All you can get is a Chicken Maharaja Mac.
And the special sauce: curry,
which, in India, believe you me, is really not that special.
Don't worry, you'll find another job.
Yeah, let me start practicing for it.
"Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?"
Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.
Hello, Sheldon.
Forgive me, as you know, I'm not adept at reading facial cues,
but I'm going to take a stab here: you're either sad or nauseated.
Sad.
I was going to say sad. I don't know why I hedged.
What are you eating?
Elbow macaroni with ground hamburger and tomato sauce.
Oh, beefaroni.
I think I'll miss you most of all.
I've always been a little confused. Why don't Hindus eat beef?
- We believe cows are gods. - Not technically.
In hinduism, cattle are thought to be like god.
Do not tell me about my own culture!
In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out... I swear to cow!
Sorry.
Me, too. I'm... I'm a little on edge.
Understandable, your entire life seems to be crumbling around you,
and your future appears bleak at best.
Thank you.
And you're wrong about hinduism and cows.
Raj, guess what. Professor Laughlin is looking
for someone to join the stellar evolution research team.
You're kidding! That's fantastic!
Call him and set up an interview.
I'm on it.
That's happy, right?
Nailed it.
Dr. Koothrappali, come on in.
I was surprised to hear you were interested in joining our little team.
Giving up on those trans-Neptunian objects, are we?
No, it's a very promising area.
In a perfect world, I'd spend several more years on it.
But I just couldn't pass up the opportunity
to work with you on your tremendously exciting
and not yet conclusively disproved hypothesis.
Splendid.
Please sit down.
- Can I offer you a sherry? - It's a little early, isn't it?
Not on Proxima Centauri.
That's very good.
Jolly amusing,
but if you don't mind, I'll hold off until sunset on Titan.
Well done.
I have a feeling you're going to fit in just fine.
Thank you, sir.
I'm sorry. Am I late?
No, right on time.
Dr. Koothrappali, may I present Dr. Millstone from MIT.
She'll be heading up our data analysis team.
It's nice to meet you, Dr. Koothrappali.
I read your paper on Kuiper belt object size distribution.
I really enjoyed it.
How did you correct for the selection bias?
Well, I ran a simulation
that allowed me to correct for the observational efficiency.
That's just fascinating.
Thank you.
Would you like to hear more about it in my hot tub?
So, when do I start?
What do you mean you didn't get the job? How could you not get it?
You know...
He's British; I'm Indian.
Ever since Gandhi, they haven't liked us very much.
Are you saying he discriminated against you?
Because we should file a complaint.
That's okay. A complaint's been filed.
So, that's it. That was my last hope.
I'm going to be deported, sent home in disgrace,
exposed to the sardonic barbs of my cousin Sanjay.
Or, as you may know him, Dave from AT&T customer service.
I'm really going to miss you.
Will you come visit me in India?
Gee, that's, like, a 17-hour flight.
I'll meet you halfway.
Halfway is 600 miles off the coast of Japan.
Tell you what, we'll Skype.
Gentlemen.
Did you get the job with professor Laughlin?
I assumed as much. But never fear.
Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies
who disappears halfway through the second reel,
I have returned to save the day.
Odd. Usually, he's met by cheers.
I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications
of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations.
- And it occurred to me... - Excuse me, Sheldon.
How many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point?
Sorry... if you didn't cheer at my entrance,
it's too late to buy into the premise.
Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department,
and Raj can come work for me.
You want me to work with you?
For me.
You're going to have to listen more carefully when you're on the job.
Please don't take this the wrong way,
but I'd rather swim buck-naked across the Ganges
with a paper cut on my nipple
and die a slow, agonizing death
from a viral infection than work with you.
For me.
Sheldon, are you busy?
Of course I'm busy.
- Shall I wait? - Yes, please.
How may I help you?
I've reconsidered your offer to let me work with you.
For me.
Yes, for you.
I do, however, have a few conditions.
First, at all times,
I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal.
Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published materials.
And third,
you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.
I'm impressed, Raj.
Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.
- Thank you. - I reject them all.
Then you leave me no choice.
I accept the job.
I'm sorry, I believe you've misunderstood.
I'm not giving you the job.
I'm simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it.
Have a seat; we'll get started with the interview.
You're kidding!
Please.
All right.
So...
That's what you wear to an interview?
Come on, we've been friends for years.
Pulling strings, are we?
Sheldon, for God's sakes, don't make me beg.
Bazinga!
You've fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes.
I'm your boss now. You may want to laugh at that.
This is nice having the place to ourselves, isn't it?
Now that Raj is working for Sheldon, I don't have to chauffeur him around.
Plus, yeah, with them working late so much,
we get some privacy.
Want to get a little crazy?
What are you thinking?
Let's slide over to Sheldon's spot and make out.
You are a dirty girl.
God, how did he know?
Am I interrupting?
Little bit, yeah.
- Guess I should have called. - Yeah, maybe.
Tonight's the night I usually go line dancing
with Raj at the Palomino.
But he's working with Sheldon.
Yes, we know.
Want me to leave?
You know, whatever.
I guess I can hang for a little while.
So what are we watching?
Sex and the City. Yikes.
I happen to love this movie.
Fine, let's watch it.
Maybe all our periods will synchronize.
All right, we're going to be designing an experiment
to look for the annihilation spectrum
resulting from dark matter collisions in space.
Dark matter. We better bring a flashlight.
- I was making a joke. - I'm the boss.
I make the jokes.
Sorry. Go ahead, make your joke.
This is not the time for joking.
We're doing serious research, which requires complete and utter focus.
Let's buckle down and work.
- I need an aspirin. - Top desk drawer.
- Thank you. - All right?
- Yes. - Good.
That was fun.
Thank you.
You don't have to say thank you every time we have sex.
Tomorrow you'll get a card in the mail. Just throw it away.
Top o' the mornin' to ya!
What are you doing here?
Well, usually, on sundays, I go with Raj
to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers market,
but he's still working with Sheldon, so I thought I'd come over here
and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami.
It's the perfect meal for après l'amour.
Kill me.
By the way, I couldn't help overhearing your big finish.
Bravo, Leonard.
If you had killed me when I said "kill me",
I wouldn't have had to hear that.
Want to take in a matinée, maybe go rollerblading,
catch a step class?
Do something.
Howard, we need to talk.
Sure. 'sup, Holmes?
Please understand that it's not that we don't want you around,
but Penny and I occasionally need some...
Alone time.
I get it,
I'm the third wheel.
Sorry, I should have seen that.
I'll get out of your way.
You're gonna want to eat those eggs while they're still hot.
There's lox and cream cheese in the fridge.
The bagels are in the oven. I was warming them up.
That's great.
I'm just going to hang out with my mom.
That's always fun.
Good.
- Are we terrible people? - I don't know.
What do you want me to do?
Get him, bring him back.
Are you sure?
- Howard, come back. - You guys had me scared for a minute.
That rate is much too low from what we'd expect from this collision.
Do you understand we're talking about dark matter colliding in outer space?
Of course.
Who are you to tell me about outer space?
I'm the astrophysicist. "Astro" means "space."
"Astro" means "star."
Let me tell you,
if we were having this argument in my native language,
I'd be kicking your butt.
English is your native language.
You got me there, but you're wrong about this!
There is a fine line between wrong and visionary.
Unfortunately, you have to be a visionary to see it.
You think that every thought coming out of your head is pure gold.
Let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca.
It means "doo-doo."
First of all, Dr. Koothrappali,
when I first proposed that you work with me...
I'm working with you?
In this context, "with me" means "for me".
Well, in this context...
If I'm wrong, prove it.
Here's where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle.
- You've misstated the atomic weight. - Let me finish.
- You're defacing my work. - I'm not defacing it, I'm fixing it.
Give me the eraser.
I said give it to me.
Come and get it.
Fine.
Oh, Lord.
Dr. Koothrappali,
as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!
- You are not my superior. - I am in every way.
Oh, yeah?
Can you do this?
Nice working with you.
I'm sorry... for you.
- I'm busy. - Doing what?
- You've made your point. - What do you want?
I looked over the board and it turns out you were right.
- You were wrong. - I didn't say that.
- That's the only logical inference. - Nevertheless, I didn't say it.
I would like you to come back and work for me.
For you or with you?
In this context, "for me" could mean "with me".
- I have conditions. - I reject them all.
I'll take the job.
See you monday.
- Wait, you have to drive me home. - How did you get here?
- I walked. - So walk home.
I can't. There's a big dog outside.
On the way home,
we can start thinking about methods of optimizing the detector
for 500 gev particles.