1
00:00:02,197 --> 00:00:04,398
Leonard, what time does
your mom's plane get in?
2
00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:05,966
I don't know--
some time tomorrow morning.
3
00:00:05,968 --> 00:00:07,868
Don't you want
to know for sure?
4
00:00:07,870 --> 00:00:10,371
No need to. As soon as she flies
into California airspace,
5
00:00:10,373 --> 00:00:12,439
I'll feel a disturbance
in the Force.
6
00:00:14,075 --> 00:00:16,110
It's so nice
both of your moms are coming in
7
00:00:16,112 --> 00:00:17,611
to see you guys get an award.
8
00:00:17,613 --> 00:00:21,015
Well, my mother's been there
for every honor I've won
9
00:00:21,017 --> 00:00:22,549
since I beat out my twin sister
10
00:00:22,551 --> 00:00:24,485
for the "did it
on the potty" trophy.
11
00:00:26,021 --> 00:00:27,454
How does this look?
12
00:00:27,456 --> 00:00:29,923
Aw, it's so nice.
She's gonna love it.
13
00:00:29,925 --> 00:00:31,191
Sure, his mom gets roses.
14
00:00:31,193 --> 00:00:32,393
When I want them,
15
00:00:32,395 --> 00:00:35,329
they're a "bouquet of
severed plant genitals."
16
00:00:36,364 --> 00:00:37,765
You act like I didn't get you
17
00:00:37,767 --> 00:00:40,100
that mushroom log
on Valentine's Day.
18
00:00:40,102 --> 00:00:41,468
He's right.
19
00:00:41,470 --> 00:00:45,139
Roses die, but a moist rotting
log will pump out mushrooms
20
00:00:45,141 --> 00:00:47,641
for two or three magical years.
21
00:00:47,643 --> 00:00:49,643
You know,
your mom's never been
22
00:00:49,645 --> 00:00:50,911
too thrilled
with our relationship.
23
00:00:50,913 --> 00:00:52,713
Maybe I should get her something
so she warms up to me.
24
00:00:52,715 --> 00:00:54,415
If you could run
out and get a PhD,
25
00:00:54,417 --> 00:00:56,984
that might make
her like you.
26
00:00:56,986 --> 00:01:00,287
Really?
It didn't work for you.
27
00:01:00,289 --> 00:01:01,789
Do you think
the moms will get along?
28
00:01:01,791 --> 00:01:03,490
Uh, I don't know.
They're pretty different.
29
00:01:03,492 --> 00:01:05,359
Maybe they'll be best friends.
30
00:01:05,361 --> 00:01:08,395
One of them is brilliant,
one is sweet and simple.
31
00:01:08,397 --> 00:01:11,165
Sound familiar?
32
00:01:11,167 --> 00:01:14,802
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
33
00:01:14,804 --> 00:01:18,138
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
34
00:01:18,140 --> 00:01:19,740
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
35
00:01:19,742 --> 00:01:22,276
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
36
00:01:22,278 --> 00:01:24,978
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
37
00:01:24,980 --> 00:01:27,581
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
38
00:01:27,583 --> 00:01:29,516
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
39
00:01:29,518 --> 00:01:30,902
♪ Bang! ♪
40
00:01:30,905 --> 00:01:34,905
♪ The Big Bang Theory 8x23 ♪
The Maternal Combustion
Original Air Date on April 30, 20
41
00:01:34,906 --> 00:01:40,406
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
42
00:01:40,455 --> 00:01:43,857
Shelly, I'm so proud of you and
Leonard for getting this award.
43
00:01:43,859 --> 00:01:45,726
Oh, thank you, Mother.
44
00:01:45,728 --> 00:01:47,761
I tried to read your paper,
but it was very hard
45
00:01:47,763 --> 00:01:48,996
for me to understand.
46
00:01:48,998 --> 00:01:50,998
Oh, it's quite
straightforward, actually.
47
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,634
It describes a new model
of the universe
48
00:01:53,636 --> 00:01:55,969
that conceptualizes it
as the surface
49
00:01:55,971 --> 00:01:57,671
of an n-dimensional
superfluid.
50
00:01:57,673 --> 00:01:58,639
Interesting.
51
00:01:58,641 --> 00:02:00,040
You can believe that,
52
00:02:00,042 --> 00:02:04,311
but God filling an ark with
animals two-by-two is nonsense.
53
00:02:06,147 --> 00:02:09,817
What did they feed
the lions, Mother?
54
00:02:09,819 --> 00:02:14,855
The floating bodies of
drowned sinners, of course.
55
00:02:17,792 --> 00:02:21,595
Listen, Leonard's mom is
a renowned psychiatrist
56
00:02:21,597 --> 00:02:23,197
and woman of science.
57
00:02:23,199 --> 00:02:25,899
Can you please keep
the Bible babble to yourself
58
00:02:25,901 --> 00:02:27,367
while she's here?
59
00:02:27,369 --> 00:02:29,002
Are you ashamed of me?
60
00:02:29,004 --> 00:02:32,406
Of course not.
I love you.
61
00:02:32,408 --> 00:02:36,710
I'm just embarrassed by the
things you believe, do and say.
62
00:02:39,514 --> 00:02:42,216
Well, I love you, too.
63
00:02:43,318 --> 00:02:45,519
My little bowl
of lion chow.
64
00:02:48,156 --> 00:02:51,091
So, have you and Penny
set a wedding date?
65
00:02:51,093 --> 00:02:53,527
No, we're kind of
taking it slow.
66
00:02:53,529 --> 00:02:55,362
I see.
67
00:02:58,433 --> 00:02:59,766
What does that mean?
68
00:02:59,768 --> 00:03:02,836
You've been on and off with
this woman for seven years
69
00:03:02,838 --> 00:03:04,371
and engaged for one year.
70
00:03:04,373 --> 00:03:07,040
One has to wonder
if there's a problem.
71
00:03:07,042 --> 00:03:10,377
Are you having
satisfactory intercourse?
72
00:03:11,212 --> 00:03:13,547
Yes, Mother.
73
00:03:15,650 --> 00:03:19,119
Only satisfactory.
I see.
74
00:03:20,955 --> 00:03:22,923
I change my answer.
75
00:03:22,925 --> 00:03:24,558
It-it's amazing.
It's hot.
76
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:28,295
We can barely keep our
hands off each other.
77
00:03:28,297 --> 00:03:30,564
Seems odd to try
and impress your mother
78
00:03:30,566 --> 00:03:33,934
with your
sexual prowess.
79
00:03:33,936 --> 00:03:38,305
But then, you always did have
that unresolved Oedipal complex.
80
00:03:38,307 --> 00:03:40,307
See, this right here,
what you're doing,
81
00:03:40,309 --> 00:03:42,943
can you please not do that
around Sheldon's mom?
82
00:03:42,945 --> 00:03:46,480
Why? Are you attracted
to her, too?
83
00:03:46,482 --> 00:03:47,881
Of course not.
84
00:03:47,883 --> 00:03:50,751
She's-she's just a very
sweet and God-fearing lady,
85
00:03:50,753 --> 00:03:53,186
and you have to be
respectful of her beliefs.
86
00:03:53,188 --> 00:03:54,488
Leonard, I'm an adult.
87
00:03:54,490 --> 00:03:56,823
I know how to conduct myself
around people
88
00:03:56,825 --> 00:03:58,659
from different
walks of life.
89
00:03:58,661 --> 00:03:59,693
Thank you.
90
00:03:59,695 --> 00:04:00,594
Where is she from again?
91
00:04:00,596 --> 00:04:03,263
- East Texas.
- Ugh.
92
00:04:06,801 --> 00:04:08,368
Hey, look who's here.
93
00:04:08,370 --> 00:04:12,406
Oh, Dr. Hofstadter,
it's so good to see you again.
94
00:04:12,408 --> 00:04:13,540
Likewise.
95
00:04:13,542 --> 00:04:16,009
I read your paper;
it was very impressive.
96
00:04:16,011 --> 00:04:17,110
Oh, thank you.
97
00:04:17,112 --> 00:04:19,112
We just spent
two hours in traffic.
98
00:04:19,114 --> 00:04:22,282
Did you think to mention to me
that you liked our paper?
99
00:04:22,284 --> 00:04:24,651
Of course I did, but
it's a mother's job
100
00:04:24,653 --> 00:04:27,321
to make sure her child's
self-esteem is not dependent
101
00:04:27,323 --> 00:04:28,622
on anyone's approval.
102
00:04:30,458 --> 00:04:33,160
That's so sweet,
you think I have self-esteem.
103
00:04:33,162 --> 00:04:36,964
Dr. Hofstadter, I want you
to meet my mother, Mary.
104
00:04:36,966 --> 00:04:38,298
So nice to meet you.
105
00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:40,500
Nice to meet you, too.
How was your flight?
106
00:04:40,502 --> 00:04:41,935
Very pleasant. And yours?
107
00:04:41,937 --> 00:04:43,870
Lovely. Almost
as if someone--
108
00:04:43,872 --> 00:04:46,707
not saying who-- was
watching over the plane.
109
00:04:49,010 --> 00:04:51,078
You're kidding, right?
110
00:04:52,246 --> 00:04:55,549
Subtle, mom,
real subtle.
111
00:05:01,589 --> 00:05:02,422
Stuart.
112
00:05:02,424 --> 00:05:05,826
Morning.
113
00:05:05,828 --> 00:05:07,627
We talked about this.
114
00:05:07,629 --> 00:05:08,962
I don't mind you
still living here,
115
00:05:08,964 --> 00:05:10,397
but we got to have
some rules.
116
00:05:10,399 --> 00:05:12,666
And rule number one is pants.
117
00:05:14,902 --> 00:05:17,471
Hey, hey.
118
00:05:21,042 --> 00:05:22,809
You must be very
proud of your son.
119
00:05:22,811 --> 00:05:24,044
Oh, yes.
120
00:05:24,046 --> 00:05:27,948
He recently argued a case
before the Supreme Court.
121
00:05:29,817 --> 00:05:31,852
He did?
122
00:05:32,687 --> 00:05:35,622
Oh, you mean this son.
123
00:05:35,624 --> 00:05:39,126
Uh, sure,
he's terrific.
124
00:05:39,128 --> 00:05:42,529
Uh, Beverly, would you like
to see the math I worked out
125
00:05:42,531 --> 00:05:44,097
to support our hypothesis?
126
00:05:44,099 --> 00:05:45,465
Uh, you mean,
my hypothesis.
127
00:05:45,467 --> 00:05:47,167
I hypothesized it
all by myself.
128
00:05:47,169 --> 00:05:49,469
Calm down, dear.
129
00:05:49,471 --> 00:05:50,771
Mary, I'm curious.
130
00:05:50,773 --> 00:05:51,938
When did you
first realize
131
00:05:51,940 --> 00:05:54,374
that your son had such
a remarkable mind?
132
00:05:54,376 --> 00:05:56,309
Ooh, good question.
133
00:05:56,311 --> 00:05:59,312
Everyone loves stories about
Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.
134
00:06:00,748 --> 00:06:02,883
Well, I would have to say
when he was 13
135
00:06:02,885 --> 00:06:05,852
and tried to build a nuclear
reactor in the tool shed.
136
00:06:05,854 --> 00:06:07,854
Ooh, this is a good one.
137
00:06:09,223 --> 00:06:11,391
Now, the first thing you have
to know about Shelly is
138
00:06:11,393 --> 00:06:12,692
ever since he was a little boy,
139
00:06:12,694 --> 00:06:16,530
he was always concerned
with the well-being of others.
140
00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,101
And he didn't think
that it was fair
141
00:06:21,103 --> 00:06:23,070
for people to pay
for electricity,
142
00:06:23,072 --> 00:06:26,206
so he was gonna power
the entire town for free.
143
00:06:26,208 --> 00:06:27,541
Tell her about the uranium!
144
00:06:27,543 --> 00:06:28,975
Tell her about
the uranium.
145
00:06:28,977 --> 00:06:30,644
Oh, well!
146
00:06:30,646 --> 00:06:31,945
Oh, this is adorable.
147
00:06:31,947 --> 00:06:35,282
When he arranged to get
some yellowcake from Chad,
148
00:06:35,284 --> 00:06:37,684
I thought he was talking
about Twinkies
149
00:06:37,686 --> 00:06:39,419
from one of his friends.
150
00:06:39,421 --> 00:06:40,421
Yeah.
151
00:06:40,422 --> 00:06:41,655
But I wasn't.
152
00:06:41,657 --> 00:06:44,491
'Cause I didn't
have any friends.
153
00:06:44,493 --> 00:06:46,393
No.
154
00:06:47,462 --> 00:06:49,463
It turns out that this
little scallywag was trying
155
00:06:49,465 --> 00:06:52,199
to use my Visa card
to buy uranium
156
00:06:52,201 --> 00:06:56,369
from an African warlord
in the country of Chad!
157
00:06:58,439 --> 00:07:00,507
Sounds like Sheldon
was a handful.
158
00:07:00,509 --> 00:07:02,142
Oh, he was a handful.
159
00:07:02,144 --> 00:07:05,045
I was a handful.
160
00:07:05,047 --> 00:07:07,280
You still are.
161
00:07:10,284 --> 00:07:13,620
Uh, Mom, hey,
tell Mary the story
162
00:07:13,622 --> 00:07:16,323
about how I made
a Van de Graaff generator
163
00:07:16,325 --> 00:07:17,891
out of our vacuum cleaner.
164
00:07:17,893 --> 00:07:19,092
All right.
165
00:07:19,094 --> 00:07:21,928
He broke the
vacuum cleaner.
166
00:07:27,768 --> 00:07:30,804
I mean, for a while,
everything was vampires.
167
00:07:30,806 --> 00:07:32,439
Now it's all zombies.
168
00:07:32,441 --> 00:07:35,075
I wonder what the next
monster fad will be.
169
00:07:35,077 --> 00:07:37,611
We haven't had a good
invisible man in a while.
170
00:07:37,613 --> 00:07:40,580
Clearly, you've never seen me
try to talk to a woman.
171
00:07:41,782 --> 00:07:43,717
Guys.
172
00:07:43,719 --> 00:07:46,219
In the time you've been sitting
here playing video games,
173
00:07:46,221 --> 00:07:48,288
I got the car washed,
picked up cleaning supplies
174
00:07:48,290 --> 00:07:49,623
and went to the bank.
175
00:07:49,625 --> 00:07:52,392
I put on pants.
176
00:07:52,394 --> 00:07:54,594
Kiss-ass.
177
00:07:57,165 --> 00:07:59,599
Okay, I don't know when
I became the mother
178
00:07:59,601 --> 00:08:00,800
to three lazy teenagers,
179
00:08:00,802 --> 00:08:02,035
but it stops today.
180
00:08:02,037 --> 00:08:04,538
You guys are cleaning
the kitchen, top to bottom.
181
00:08:04,540 --> 00:08:07,274
Hey, I don't even live here.
182
00:08:07,276 --> 00:08:10,243
Yes or no, do you have clothes
in my laundry right now?
183
00:08:10,245 --> 00:08:12,746
I do.
184
00:08:13,748 --> 00:08:15,115
And some of it's wool,
185
00:08:15,117 --> 00:08:17,150
so dry flat if possible.
186
00:08:19,487 --> 00:08:21,821
Oh, and here's a picture
of me receiving
187
00:08:21,823 --> 00:08:23,590
my bachelor of science degree.
188
00:08:23,592 --> 00:08:26,026
You don't look
very happy.
189
00:08:26,028 --> 00:08:28,562
Well, I had just begun puberty.
190
00:08:30,232 --> 00:08:32,432
It was figuratively
and literally
191
00:08:32,434 --> 00:08:35,001
one of the hairiest moments
of my life.
192
00:08:36,103 --> 00:08:38,271
Shelly does not like change.
193
00:08:38,273 --> 00:08:39,539
Oh, true.
194
00:08:39,541 --> 00:08:41,608
But all the clenching
in the world will not keep
195
00:08:41,610 --> 00:08:43,843
testicles in your abdomen.
196
00:08:45,213 --> 00:08:47,781
Hey, sorry,
got caught up at work.
197
00:08:47,783 --> 00:08:48,715
Hi, Beverly!
198
00:08:48,717 --> 00:08:49,983
Hello.
199
00:08:49,985 --> 00:08:51,952
Oh, okay.
200
00:08:52,955 --> 00:08:54,187
Sorry, I forgot.
201
00:08:54,189 --> 00:08:55,689
You remember my mother.
202
00:08:55,691 --> 00:08:56,623
Oh, yes. Hi, Mary!
203
00:08:56,625 --> 00:08:58,658
Good to see you
again, dear.
204
00:08:58,660 --> 00:09:00,627
Ah, yeah, now that's
what I'm talking about.
205
00:09:01,929 --> 00:09:04,598
So, Mom, you haven't seen Penny
since we got engaged.
206
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,666
Oh, yeah, let me
show you the ring.
207
00:09:06,668 --> 00:09:07,968
Oh, lovely.
208
00:09:07,970 --> 00:09:09,836
Must have been
very expensive.
209
00:09:09,838 --> 00:09:10,971
Oh, no, not at all.
210
00:09:10,973 --> 00:09:13,139
No, we, uh, found
a place online
211
00:09:13,141 --> 00:09:16,042
that, uh, repurposes
diamond drill bits.
212
00:09:18,145 --> 00:09:20,513
We did not. That's not true.
213
00:09:20,515 --> 00:09:23,850
Can I speak to you alone
for a second?
214
00:09:23,852 --> 00:09:25,318
Oh, sure.
215
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,354
It came from Tiffany's.
216
00:09:27,356 --> 00:09:28,688
You mean the box, right?
217
00:09:28,690 --> 00:09:30,023
Keep walking!
218
00:09:32,793 --> 00:09:36,896
Really doesn't matter to me
how much he spent on the ring.
219
00:09:36,898 --> 00:09:38,965
I think.
220
00:09:38,967 --> 00:09:41,468
Did I misspeak
about the ring?
221
00:09:41,470 --> 00:09:43,436
Yes, and we'll get
back to that.
222
00:09:43,438 --> 00:09:45,272
But, uh, even with
your mother here,
223
00:09:45,274 --> 00:09:49,109
you are deliberately hogging
all the attention from my mom.
224
00:09:49,111 --> 00:09:50,677
You're like one of those
elephant seal pups
225
00:09:50,679 --> 00:09:53,413
that steals the milk
from two mothers!
226
00:09:53,415 --> 00:09:55,715
Do you mean
what marine biologists
227
00:09:55,717 --> 00:09:58,485
refer to as "super weaning"?
228
00:09:58,487 --> 00:10:01,388
Yes, you are a super weaner!
229
00:10:04,358 --> 00:10:06,393
Well, now I have to correct you.
230
00:10:06,395 --> 00:10:09,329
A-As a bit
of an elephant seal buff,
231
00:10:09,331 --> 00:10:10,864
the more accurate
comparison
232
00:10:10,866 --> 00:10:12,899
would be when two mother seals
233
00:10:12,901 --> 00:10:15,201
actively seek
to nourish the same pup.
234
00:10:15,203 --> 00:10:17,470
So I believe the term
you're looking for
235
00:10:17,472 --> 00:10:21,274
is a double mother suckler.
236
00:10:21,276 --> 00:10:23,476
Yeah, you're right.
237
00:10:23,478 --> 00:10:25,211
That is the term
I'm looking for.
238
00:10:25,213 --> 00:10:28,682
You are a dirty double
mother suckler!
239
00:10:30,718 --> 00:10:33,520
Okay, well, now that we have the
terminology straightened out.
240
00:10:33,522 --> 00:10:35,755
How dare you!
241
00:10:37,358 --> 00:10:38,692
We're not in a rush.
242
00:10:38,694 --> 00:10:40,560
We'll set a date when
the time is right.
243
00:10:40,562 --> 00:10:41,895
It doesn't matter, sweetie.
244
00:10:41,897 --> 00:10:43,563
The moment a man lays
with a woman,
245
00:10:43,565 --> 00:10:45,732
they are married
in the eyes of the Lord.
246
00:10:45,734 --> 00:10:47,200
Uch.
247
00:10:55,431 --> 00:10:56,598
"Uch"?
248
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,333
The bible is "uch" to you?
249
00:10:58,335 --> 00:10:59,434
No, I'm sorry.
250
00:10:59,436 --> 00:11:00,769
That was inappropriate.
251
00:11:00,771 --> 00:11:03,271
As a psychiatrist,
I know how important
252
00:11:03,273 --> 00:11:05,774
people's superstitions
can be to them.
253
00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:10,245
You want to talk
about superstitions?
254
00:11:10,247 --> 00:11:12,180
Sheldon sent me
the books you wrote--
255
00:11:12,182 --> 00:11:14,582
all that nonsense
about superegos and ids.
256
00:11:14,584 --> 00:11:18,186
What bull dropped that
on the barn floor?
257
00:11:18,188 --> 00:11:21,089
His name is Sigmund Freud.
258
00:11:21,091 --> 00:11:22,290
Hey, look at that!
259
00:11:22,292 --> 00:11:25,694
You both believe in
Jewish bearded guys.
260
00:11:25,696 --> 00:11:27,696
Stay out of this.
261
00:11:27,698 --> 00:11:29,631
Mm-hmm.
262
00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:31,700
At least the bearded man
that I believe in
263
00:11:31,702 --> 00:11:33,835
preaches love and compassion.
264
00:11:33,837 --> 00:11:35,236
All yours
talks about is
265
00:11:35,238 --> 00:11:36,705
why you hold in your poop
266
00:11:36,707 --> 00:11:39,908
and want to crawl back
inside your mama.
267
00:11:41,777 --> 00:11:43,912
It's fascinating.
268
00:11:43,914 --> 00:11:46,414
How can someone
as enlightened as Sheldon
269
00:11:46,416 --> 00:11:49,517
come from someone like you?
270
00:11:49,519 --> 00:11:51,152
I know the answer.
271
00:11:51,154 --> 00:11:52,420
You're not gonna like it.
272
00:11:52,422 --> 00:11:54,856
Try me.
273
00:11:54,858 --> 00:11:57,192
When I was pregnant with Shelly,
I was driving to church,
274
00:11:57,194 --> 00:11:58,693
and I was praying
to the Lord
275
00:11:58,695 --> 00:12:02,697
to give me a son smarter
than his dumb-ass daddy.
276
00:12:03,699 --> 00:12:06,935
And I looked over
and I saw a Jesus bobblehead
277
00:12:06,937 --> 00:12:10,405
in the Subaru next to me
nodding yes.
278
00:12:17,279 --> 00:12:19,014
What is that supposed to mean?
279
00:12:19,016 --> 00:12:23,218
It means... I can't believe
we're having this conversation.
280
00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,452
Well, do it some more.
281
00:12:24,454 --> 00:12:27,689
Maybe you can knock
some sense into yourself.
282
00:12:27,691 --> 00:12:30,025
Why don't we all stops
hitting ourselves
283
00:12:30,027 --> 00:12:31,693
and talk about something
safe, you know,
284
00:12:31,695 --> 00:12:36,064
like shoes or how cute
little Chinese babies are.
285
00:12:36,066 --> 00:12:37,632
It is not my fault
that your mother likes me
286
00:12:37,634 --> 00:12:39,501
- better than she likes you!
- Oh, don't flatter yourself!
287
00:12:39,503 --> 00:12:42,737
She likes everybody
better than she likes me!
288
00:12:49,045 --> 00:12:50,678
How old is this Jell-O?
289
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:54,949
Well, it's carrots,
so gonna say very.
290
00:12:56,619 --> 00:12:58,286
Sorry we have to do this.
291
00:12:58,288 --> 00:13:00,055
Bernadette's not wrong.
292
00:13:00,057 --> 00:13:01,856
She does work hard around here.
293
00:13:01,858 --> 00:13:03,091
Yeah, maybe it's a good thing
294
00:13:03,093 --> 00:13:04,926
if she stops
babying you so much.
295
00:13:04,928 --> 00:13:06,995
She doesn't baby me.
296
00:13:06,997 --> 00:13:09,431
I saw her pull you home
in a wagon.
297
00:13:09,433 --> 00:13:11,800
For your information,
298
00:13:11,802 --> 00:13:15,703
I twisted my ankle
chasing the ice cream truck.
299
00:13:15,705 --> 00:13:18,273
Face it, dude, Bernadette
treats you the same way
300
00:13:18,275 --> 00:13:21,876
your mother used to, and that
was not a healthy relationship.
301
00:13:23,646 --> 00:13:25,413
You're right.
302
00:13:25,415 --> 00:13:26,748
It's time for me
303
00:13:26,750 --> 00:13:30,985
to act like an adult
in this marriage.
304
00:13:30,987 --> 00:13:35,323
Starting with my husbandly duty
of taking out the trash.
305
00:13:41,530 --> 00:13:44,332
Bernie, I made a mess!
306
00:13:47,169 --> 00:13:50,438
I'm terribly sorry
that I upset your mother.
307
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,107
Oh, it's all right.
She'll forgive you.
308
00:13:52,109 --> 00:13:55,410
She has to or
she goes to hell.
309
00:13:58,013 --> 00:13:59,714
I can't help but notice
310
00:13:59,716 --> 00:14:02,383
how her unconditional
love for you
311
00:14:02,385 --> 00:14:06,020
is diametrically opposed
to my own parenting strategies.
312
00:14:06,022 --> 00:14:08,990
Well, you doled
out affection
313
00:14:08,992 --> 00:14:11,793
as a reward for
achievement--
314
00:14:11,795 --> 00:14:14,095
a proven way to
raise a child.
315
00:14:14,097 --> 00:14:16,731
Or train a rat.
316
00:14:16,733 --> 00:14:18,600
But look how well
you turned out.
317
00:14:18,602 --> 00:14:22,971
I'd feign modesty at this point,
but who would believe me?
318
00:14:22,973 --> 00:14:24,772
Still, you need
to consider
319
00:14:24,774 --> 00:14:27,509
how successful Leonard's
brother and sister are.
320
00:14:27,511 --> 00:14:29,210
I suppose.
321
00:14:29,212 --> 00:14:33,348
While my brother and sister
are mouth-breathing idiots.
322
00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:36,351
Do you suppose
you would've flourished more
323
00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:37,952
in a reward-based environment?
324
00:14:37,954 --> 00:14:40,255
Perhaps.
325
00:14:40,257 --> 00:14:43,158
But my mom made me spaghetti
with chopped-up hot dogs
326
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,161
whenever I wanted,
so who cares?
327
00:14:48,097 --> 00:14:51,900
Not once did my mother ever
give me any love or affection
328
00:14:51,902 --> 00:14:54,068
for just being myself;
I always had to earn it.
329
00:14:54,070 --> 00:14:55,036
Oh, Leonard,
330
00:14:55,038 --> 00:14:57,472
I'm sure she loves you
very much.
331
00:14:57,474 --> 00:15:01,109
In her own cold godless way.
332
00:15:01,111 --> 00:15:04,979
Yeah, and you certainly don't
have to earn my love.
333
00:15:04,981 --> 00:15:06,147
Thank you.
334
00:15:06,149 --> 00:15:07,582
Of course,
you already knew that
335
00:15:07,584 --> 00:15:11,319
when you bought me
this princess-cut drill bit.
336
00:15:11,321 --> 00:15:13,421
That's not what it is.
337
00:15:13,423 --> 00:15:15,490
I know, I know.
338
00:15:17,594 --> 00:15:20,261
When your mom gets back,
I'm gonna need
339
00:15:20,263 --> 00:15:22,363
to apologize for the way
I spoke to her.
340
00:15:22,365 --> 00:15:24,332
Well, come on now,
she did kind of start it.
341
00:15:24,334 --> 00:15:27,202
Doesn't matter; a good Christian
would've turned the other cheek.
342
00:15:27,204 --> 00:15:28,303
On the other hand,
343
00:15:28,305 --> 00:15:31,306
a good Texan
would've shot her, so...
344
00:15:33,842 --> 00:15:36,644
I just kind of
split the difference.
345
00:15:36,646 --> 00:15:39,714
Hey, who's in the mood
for spaghetti and hot dogs?
346
00:15:39,716 --> 00:15:41,082
Oh, me!
Yeah, me, too!
347
00:15:41,084 --> 00:15:43,084
Coming up.
348
00:15:43,086 --> 00:15:46,421
I don't really
feel I deserve it.
349
00:15:48,824 --> 00:15:50,925
That was a big
sticky mess,
350
00:15:50,927 --> 00:15:52,627
but... I think I got it.
351
00:15:52,629 --> 00:15:53,761
Looks good.
Yeah.
352
00:15:53,763 --> 00:15:55,430
Look at that.
353
00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:57,465
You cleaned it up
all by yourself.
354
00:15:57,467 --> 00:16:00,602
Yes, I cleaned it up
all by myself.
355
00:16:00,604 --> 00:16:02,637
Honestly, I don't know
why you complain so...
356
00:16:04,173 --> 00:16:05,907
Okay, maybe I missed one spot.
357
00:16:12,248 --> 00:16:14,415
Just leave.
358
00:16:17,319 --> 00:16:18,920
I'm so glad
that you and I were able
359
00:16:18,922 --> 00:16:20,955
to bury the hatchet.
Me, too.
360
00:16:20,957 --> 00:16:23,157
And I respect your right
to your beliefs.
361
00:16:23,159 --> 00:16:25,693
And I will
pray for you.
362
00:16:27,563 --> 00:16:29,831
Okay, Mom, let's get you
back to your hotel
363
00:16:29,833 --> 00:16:31,466
before anyone says
anything else.
364
00:16:31,468 --> 00:16:32,667
One moment.
365
00:16:32,669 --> 00:16:35,536
There's something
I need to say to you.
366
00:16:35,538 --> 00:16:38,072
Oh, really? That's too bad.
367
00:16:38,074 --> 00:16:41,843
Leonard, I always
made you earn my affection,
368
00:16:41,845 --> 00:16:43,177
but today I realize
369
00:16:43,179 --> 00:16:46,147
that there's more than one way
to raise a child.
370
00:16:46,149 --> 00:16:49,284
I taught her that!
371
00:16:49,286 --> 00:16:50,818
Therefore, I would like
372
00:16:50,820 --> 00:16:54,622
to initiate a new protocol
wherein I...
373
00:16:54,624 --> 00:16:57,925
shower you
with unconditional love.
374
00:16:57,927 --> 00:17:00,361
Wow.
375
00:17:00,363 --> 00:17:01,796
When does that start?
376
00:17:01,798 --> 00:17:04,966
So needy.
377
00:17:08,937 --> 00:17:11,706
Come to Mommy.
378
00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:14,976
It's okay, go ahead.
379
00:17:22,351 --> 00:17:25,453
Oh, my son.
380
00:17:26,955 --> 00:17:29,457
Oh, my mother.
381
00:17:29,459 --> 00:17:31,793
Oh, my God.
382
00:17:58,868 --> 00:18:02,237
♪ It's a hard-knock life ♪
383
00:18:03,773 --> 00:18:06,742
♪ It's the hard-knock life
for us ♪
384
00:18:06,744 --> 00:18:10,445
♪ It's the hard-knock
life for us ♪
385
00:18:10,447 --> 00:18:13,148
♪ 'Stead of treated,
we get tricked ♪
386
00:18:13,150 --> 00:18:16,718
♪ 'Stead of kisses,
we get kicked ♪
387
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,354
♪ It's the hard-knock life ♪
388
00:18:19,356 --> 00:18:22,391
♪ Got no folks to speak of so ♪
389
00:18:22,393 --> 00:18:25,627
♪ It's the hard-knock row
we hoe ♪
390
00:18:25,629 --> 00:18:28,437
♪ Cotton blankets...
'stead of wool ♪
391
00:18:28,438 --> 00:18:31,472
♪ Empty bellies...
'stead of full ♪
392
00:18:31,473 --> 00:18:33,340
♪ It's a hard-knock life. ♪
393
00:18:33,342 --> 00:18:39,842
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man